The Gummi Diaries Vol 1 - with Ali Rosenblum

MIGHTY MERP (00:01)
We have a fun Mighty MERP podcast today. I have an amazing yet very reluctant guest. I want to welcome Allie Rosenblum to the Mighty MERP podcast. Welcome Allie.

Ali (00:12)
I'm Lissa.

MIGHTY MERP (00:16)
So I said she was reluctant and it's probably because I know everything there is to know and I have all the secrets. But before we actually...

Ali (00:21)
Also, I'm not a lawyer.

MIGHTY MERP (00:27)
You are not a lawyer. Let me start by saying before we actually start in our conversation, I just want to share a few things about Allie. So if you haven't figured it out, Allie is my younger sister. I am number three of the family. Allie is number four. We have an older brother and an older sister.

Most importantly, Allie is the baby of the family. Allie's five years younger than me, seven years younger than my brother, nine years younger than my sister. I think we can all agree she is still the baby, no matter how old we get. The joke in our family and the folklore in our family is that Allie and I are twins that were separated by five years.

And the reason for that is maybe shocking to hear, but I did not talk till I was about five years old. And the joke is, is that I needed the other half of my brain to be born. So thank you, Allie, for being born.

Ali (01:30)
anytime.

MIGHTY MERP (01:35)
And then the last thing I'm gonna add before we're gonna jump into our conversation is Allie and Di and our siblings, we have lots of kids between the four of us. And there are 12 cousins all together. I have four kids, Allie has two, our older sister has four and our brother has two. Do you wanna interrupt?

Ali (01:55)
No, they're right there.

MIGHTY MERP (02:00)
they are, they're right above you, but they were babies. That's when they were sweet babies, remember? So we have 12 kids between all of us and the cousins are pretty close. They're very close in age as well. We did a nice staircase. I could be a little off on the ages, but I think it's 27, 25, 24,

3 next month and then 22 22 21 20

Ali (02:28)
There's three that are 22.

MIGHTY MERP (02:36)
Well, Bailey's turning 23 in like a few weeks. So then there's 22, 22, 21, 20, 18, 18, 17, or 18, 18, 16. Yeah, so they're all really close in age. And I think that all the cousins, all of them, except maybe Allie's two children would say that Aunt Allie knows everything. And if they have a question to go to Aunt Allie.

Ali (02:47)
16.

MIGHTY MERP (03:06)
other than her two kids. Her kids might say she knows everything as well. Yeah. No. Okay. So those are the important things to know about Allie. Why am I talking to Allie today? I know Allie's like, I'm not a lawyer, but we talk about a lot of things on the Mighty MERP podcast. And we talk a lot about mental health. We talk sometimes about caregiving. We always talk about my kids here and there. today,

we're gonna have a conversation, just a light, nice and easy conversation about, a little bit about our parents. Our mom passed away about a year ago this week from dementia. Our dad passed away six years ago from Parkinson's. We're gonna talk a little bit about our parents, the way we were raised, caregiving,

and raising college kids or what I like to call adultish kids now. So I know all fun conversations, right, Ali?

Ali (03:59)
Yeah, good times.

MIGHTY MERP (04:04)
Okay, so I'm gonna set up the scene. I'm gonna ask you what you thought about this. We were all together, all of our siblings and all the kids in February to celebrate our oldest niece wedding. She's the first of all the kids to get married. She's 27. It was an amazing wedding. It was beautiful. It was so nice having all the kids together.

But there was this realization that we were all of a sudden the Aldercockers. So, and if you're not, if you don't know Yiddish, we're the old people. So.

Ali (04:38)
We are, we are the old people.

We are older than our parents were when they already were grandparents.

Except for me. All of you.

MIGHTY MERP (04:57)
Yeah, yeah. I am older than my mom was when she became a grandmother by a few years. Yeah. And we are all older than she was at my wedding. I think that was a really shocking realization that, you know, I thought my mom was old at my wedding and she was only 46.

Ali (05:02)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (05:24)
So, yeah, so all of a sudden we became old. How did that happen?

Ali (05:30)
I know. I think...

I think the reality at soon after Uncle Mori died, I remember thinking it's IJ. IJ has to do all the mozies.

Like he's the oldest man.

MIGHTY MERP (05:49)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Ali (05:52)
and he didn't seem very old.

MIGHTY MERP (05:55)
Yeah, I think that what was interesting about the wedding, and we should say like our father's an only child and our mom had one sibling. And so we lost our dad in 2018. And again, it was after a long struggle with Parkinson's. We lost our uncle.

Ali (06:17)
three years.

MIGHTY MERP (06:24)
three years, 2022.

2021, this is going to be, we're coming up on four, very unexpectedly, very unexpectedly. And then our mom passed away a year ago. I think what like my brain keeps going around is that I don't feel old.

Ali (06:31)
Mm-hmm.

I don't think

they felt old. think mommy, I think that was a concern that mommy had when we were getting married and thinking about starting our family. She always said that she didn't want to be an old grandma.

MIGHTY MERP (07:03)
Well, she did get what she wanted. She was a very young grandma.

Ali (07:04)
I know, but

she thought she could have been a grandma earlier.

MIGHTY MERP (07:13)
Well, that's on Sarah. I mean, honestly.

Ali (07:14)
Yeah, but she

was a young grandma. She played with all the kids. She taught them games. She got on the floor with them. She did whatever they liked to do. She was not an old, she wasn't, She was like a fun young grandma. She took them to the park. She went on the swings with them. yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (07:36)
Yeah, it's funny. She was.

I know, and I don't think they remember any of that. I think they only remember her in her last few years when she had dementia.

Ali (07:51)
No, my kids do. My

kids don't have lot of memories of daddy being well, but they remember grandma in the cul-de-sac. They remember mom.

Yeah, riding bikes and jump rope and playing hopscotch and stuff like that.

MIGHTY MERP (08:05)
when we did jump roping.

Yeah, so, you know, the last few years we both were taking care, I mean, we were all taking care of mom, but I feel like you are a natural caregiver and I am not, at least on the medical side of it. And so you came up with this really good,

good description of our generation. And everyone talks about the sandwich generation. We were the sandwich generation because we still had kids that were young enough that needed to be parented and we're still taking care of our parents. But Allie had a great statement, which was,

Ali (08:48)
I feel like we're the panini generation. We were being

squeezed between two hot plates. It wasn't a nice sandwich. It was a lot of pressure on both ends. We were either letting our kids down or letting our parents down.

MIGHTY MERP (09:00)
Yeah.

Yeah. Were you prepared for that? Because is there any way to be prepared for that?

Ali (09:16)
I don't know.

Maybe, I think you had a harder time with daddy because he had physical needs, but they felt like they came slowly and progressively. So it felt like the help he needed increased sort of little by little. So that didn't really feel hard for me. I think families maybe who deal with maybe like a more...

MIGHTY MERP (09:28)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ali (09:44)
major medical event like a stroke, where like a parent, a parent or family member is fully able one day and then needs a lot of care the next could be more shocking and disruptive. I feel like because daddy's needs like slowly elevated over time.

MIGHTY MERP (09:56)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and also mom was able to help care for him and he was able to stay in their house also, which was very different than mom five years, you know, several years later.

Ali (10:10)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (10:23)
So, yeah, I feel like the whole taking care of your parents and also taking care of these young adults.

were, I feel like I wasn't prepared mentally for either of those. I, I wanted to do right by mom, but I don't know if I was like really mentally prepared to take care of my mom. I jokingly would say that there were times that I felt like I was a teenager when she first moved in and I reacted to her like a teenager. And it wasn't until she was at the house for, you know, a little bit of time that I realized that, you know,

Ali (10:52)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (11:01)
You know, some of the things she said isn't, she's not realizing what she's saying, you know, and I had to realize that it was the dementia and not mom. While at the same time, you know, I thought the kids would be easier once they hit 18. And I think kids at 19 and 20 and 21 are really hard. I think we're like teaching them how to adults in a way that

I wasn't expecting. I thought that when they were all little, like the picture behind you was gonna be the hardest. But I'm not sure.

Ali (11:34)
I mean it was it was hard. It was hard at the time

Yeah, yeah. I like my kid's age right now.

MIGHTY MERP (11:44)
feel like it was more fun than hard.

I like my kids age too. I just also like find it very stressful. Like when are, you know, just all the figuring out of, I'll give an example. One of my kids said he was applying for jobs in Wisconsin and they're graduating. And there is a part of me that's like, good for you. I'm so proud of you. You're looking for a full-time job and you're looking for jobs that you want.

And if you're going to move to Wisconsin, that's great. And there's a part of me that's like, I want you to move to Wisconsin.

Ali (12:24)
no, I know.

I don't like that. I have a little bit of time, at least a year, before I have to think about that. I like that they can ask questions and see the world and ask questions about our family and family dynamics. I wish they would listen a little bit more.

No.

MIGHTY MERP (12:49)
They don't listen. My kids listen all the time.

Ali (12:50)
Yeah. Yeah.

I think. Yeah. I mean, I know they'll figure it out, but.

MIGHTY MERP (12:57)
Yeah, but

I know, but every so often one of my kids will say, you were right about blah, blah. And it's like.

Ali (13:11)
I know. And then I tried to say I'm right about a lot of things.

MIGHTY MERP (13:20)
I know, but I don't think that part's the helpful part. That's the inside thought, you know? So best advice your mom ever gave you.

Ali (13:21)
Mm-mm.

so I would know this anyway, but you know, I have like a Yorkside tradition where I like read all the eulogies and stuff. So apparently it was on my mind because I wrote it in mom's, in mommy's eulogy. But the best advice she ever gave me was when Benjamin was born and I would not necessarily have described mom as like a super warm or

like warm and cuddly or like sentimental person.

MIGHTY MERP (14:03)
I sentimental is probably the better word. Yeah.

Ali (14:03)
yeah, I mean, she wasn't cold.

but she did say when Benjamin was a baby, sometimes babies just cry. Sometimes, sometimes they cry, you can change them and bathe them and feed them and make sure all their needs are met and they will still cry. And sometimes you just have to put them down and you put them in the middle of the crib and you left the gate.

and you go outside for 10 minutes. And she did not, but she said, you just leave the room so till you can't hear them anymore and calm down. And when you come back, you will be better and you will be able to calm them. that and that she just said, like they're safe in their crib. So if you're getting anxious, just put them there.

MIGHTY MERP (14:36)
Did she say, and have a cigarette?

that is good advice.

That is good advice. That is good advice. So, yeah, so as I said, mom's anniversary of her passing was last week. So you read her eulogy.

Ali (15:13)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (15:17)
So best advice dad ever gave you.

Ali (15:20)
I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, I can think of lots of things that he said that were like, you know, useful or sweet or, you know, I remember like in sports, I remember daddy saying like, there will always be people who are faster than you and more natural athletes and better, but you can be the smartest person on the field. Like, like you can.

MIGHTY MERP (15:50)
Yeah,

I do remember that. That was like really important for him, for us when we were playing sports to be the smartest player.

Ali (15:56)
Right, you can see the field.

You can lead in a way that isn't about being the fastest or the strongest. And there's probably some life lessons in there too.

MIGHTY MERP (16:11)
Yeah. When I went off to college, dad said, there's going to be classes that you work really hard on and work really hard at, and you will get a C or a B and you will be happy with that because you worked really hard to do that. And there'll be classes that you don't do any work and you'll get an A and it won't mean anything. that life is just about balance, you know? And he said that about

about partying at college too. He's like, I don't expect you to be in the library 24 seven. I don't expect you to be partying 27 four seven. College life is about balance and finding that balance. So

Ali (16:54)
I do remember daddy saying like a weird thing about religion to me because I wouldn't describe mommy or daddy as being religious. But I remember, know, Liz, wife was raised Catholic and I remember him saying, whatever, whatever you choose, do it.

day.

MIGHTY MERP (17:19)
Mm-hmm.

Ali (17:20)
Yeah, if you're going to have a Jewish household, have a Jewish household. And if you're not, like, you know, like go all in, be observant.

MIGHTY MERP (17:25)
Yeah.

Ali (17:34)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (17:35)
That's funny, because I remember. I mean, I remember a Christmas tree one year, so that's a weird thing. Yeah. So.

Ali (17:40)
Yeah. I don't know if that was like their way of saying like it was okay

that she wasn't Jewish.

MIGHTY MERP (17:52)
But that's funny because you weren't the first one in the family to marry someone who wasn't Jewish.

Ali (17:56)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (18:02)
Yeah. So,

So we talked about our parents, talked about caregiving. You have two kids, one's a freshman in college and one's a junior in college. I can say anything I want about my kids because I've been podcasting for a number of years and they have never listened to a Mighty Murp podcast. like, it's all good. I know whatever I say, they will not hear.

Ali (18:28)
Yeah, I don't think that's

a medium of technology that my kids utilize.

MIGHTY MERP (18:31)
But...

Ali (18:39)
I don't know.

MIGHTY MERP (18:40)
Why? Is podcast for old people?

Ali (18:42)
Maybe.

Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (18:48)
I didn't see that's an example that I didn't know that. Does that make me old that I didn't know that podcasting is for old people?

Ali (18:54)
Mm hmm. My

one of my kids, my younger one will listen if it's someone that she's very interested in in a very specific interview, but then doesn't continue to follow that podcast.

MIGHTY MERP (18:58)
Mm-hmm.

Isn't Call Me Daddy a young podcast? Isn't it for...

Ali (19:12)
Yeah, so I do think like she may have heard

bits and pieces of that, but that's not something where I have one podcast that I listen to every day. And then on every day of the week, I have a different podcast that drops. I can tell you my Monday podcast, my Tuesday podcast, my for each day of the week, they don't have that. They don't do that.

MIGHTY MERP (19:36)
Okay, well they just might not have as much.

Ali (19:40)
Tartine?

MIGHTY MERP (19:42)
I don't want to say type A. No, I think there's something that's like a little, what's that word I'm looking for? I don't want to say type A. I don't want to say OCD or a little like tism of like, you know, I have something on Monday and something on Tuesday and Wapner's on at.

Ali (19:48)
O-C-D.

Mm-hmm.

Four o'clock.

Yeah, 630. I like structure.

MIGHTY MERP (20:07)
What time is dinner?

630. So there's nothing wrong with structure. Nothing wrong with structure. So, you know.

Ali (20:13)
Yeah.

I always like to tell the story about mommy that

when, you know, that our parents were born in the 60s, or were born in the 40s, but they came of age in the 60s and they sort of were hippies or maybe they wanted to be hippies, but they were already having babies. And they were sort of free spirits. I don't always say like, you know, we listened to a lot of free to be you and me and musicals and stuff like that.

MIGHTY MERP (20:33)
Yes, that is true.

Ali (20:41)
They were really, really liberal. Like when I was little, we didn't read fairy tales. We didn't read anything that depicted men better than women. We didn't have coloring books. They didn't want to keep us in the lines. And now I like to write on graph paper.

Because one set of lines is not enough. I need...

MIGHTY MERP (21:03)
Right? But that's funny that you say that.

Ali (21:09)
You

MIGHTY MERP (21:11)
See, I think our parents, the way they raised us, there was a paradox. Because I think everything that you're saying is true. And yet, I think that they also felt a lot of pressure for us to keep up with the Joneses, so to speak, or the Coens, however you want to say it in our town. So I think that there was definitely a paradox of that.

But I also, like sometimes you say things and I'm like, you got the laid back parents.

Ali (21:39)
I did. I like to call them the tired

parents.

MIGHTY MERP (21:44)
Your parents are so different than my parents. And yeah, and I think I like got a little bit more lead back than Sarah and IJ. But I feel like when you describe our parents, they're definitely different. They're definitely like, definitely listen to free to be you and me. You know,

But I don't remember coloring outside the lines. I don't remember that being a direction for me. Maybe because they thought I was special that, you know, they needed to be able to.

Ali (22:12)
Hmm.

Could

be. Yeah. But I interrupted you, I'm sorry.

MIGHTY MERP (22:26)
I don't even know where I was going. I was, I was talking about our college kids. So you said you have a lot of good advice. You have a lot of good information. Like they don't always listen. They don't listen. and I, I do know my kids do the same thing and sometimes I want them, like when you're at the house, I want them to talk to you or to, our cousin hope or someone, because I know they're going to give similar advice, but it can't come from me.

Ali (22:52)
Right.

MIGHTY MERP (22:55)
you know, because they don't want to hear it from me.

Ali (22:56)
Yeah, I mean, I guess I just think about, I

don't want to say things that we had to learn the hard way, but just things that we had to learn that we're happy to pass on to them. I think about using resources and opportunities of people we know and having conversations and things like that and asking questions. I wish they were more open to that.

MIGHTY MERP (23:26)
Right. I think that they do have greater resources than we do. know, you know, on their dad's side of the family, they have a cousin that I have said to my kids, you should reach out to her. I think she'll be able to help you in, you know, what to do after college and how to get connected based on the industry that she's in and the success that she's had.

And when they don't take the steps, I'm always like, you have like these doors that can be open to you potentially. but I do think they have to learn things the hard way, so to speak. You know, I mean, we're so much more gentle. grew up, you know, I think about things that, you know, our parents said to us, you know, some of the best quotes, you know, don't let the door hitch in the ass on the way out.

Ali (23:53)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (24:18)
you know, or, you know, if we were crying or upset about something, our parents would say, we'll give you some, do you want me to give you something to cry about?

I think that...

We parent it in such a more gentle way.

And yet.

The question is now how do they decide what they're going to do with the future because they're not leaving the house at 21 or 22.

We lost Allie.

MIGHTY MERP (24:56)
you get cut off?

Ali (24:58)
I think you were quoting daddy when you said, don't let the door hit you in the ass.

MIGHTY MERP (25:05)
was saying that our parents...

We didn't have gentle parents. I think we all know that we were loved.

Ali (25:12)
No.

Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (25:17)
or

most of us believed that we were loved, right? I should add that both Allie and I are now, as we're having this conversation, eating our emotional support gummy bears or gummy worms. I prefer Haribo. I just wanted to be clear that they are actual gummy candy. Very nice. All right.

Ali (25:22)
Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Me too!

MIGHTY MERP (25:44)
I'm so sorry, I'm gonna have to tell you this story and Tom is gonna have to figure out how to edit this. You know I have the emergency gummy jar on my kitchen counter that you made me.

she just thought I was so cool and relaxed as a mom that I kept my gummy drugs on the counter in an emergency gummy jar.

Ali (26:08)
Yeah, we're cool. We are not cool.

MIGHTY MERP (26:12)
Yeah!

Speak for yourself. Why are you not cool, Ally?

Ali (26:19)
Yeah, my kids would say I was a fun sponge.

MIGHTY MERP (26:24)
My kids say that too. Did they get that from each other?

Ali (26:28)
maybe.

MIGHTY MERP (26:30)
That Max used to say that my young us you're a fun sponge. You suck the fun out of everything. So mean. So I was saying how we were gentle parents compared to our parents. So things that I remember, I'm going to give you a few of my favorite quotes, mostly from dad. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Ali (26:38)
Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (26:55)
Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about, which is weird because I was already crying.

Ali (27:06)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (27:07)
Do you have any?

Ali (27:10)
This coffee is terrible.

MIGHTY MERP (27:12)
Okay, so that's mom. Mom never, never the first cup of coffee you gave her was never a good cup of coffee.

Ali (27:20)
Never.

MIGHTY MERP (27:22)
Yeah.

So, but I think like I look at the four of us and I think we have all lived successful adult lives.

Ali (27:36)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (27:37)
You know, however that's defined, but I will say we all have had jobs, we all have raised kids, we have all, you know.

I would say have been good people in our communities and.

And part of me laughs because I don't think our parents had a game plan, right?

Ali (28:04)
No, I feel like I was a like a free range kiddo before that was a thing. I don't think mom and dad were like intentionally being like free range parents. Like they were just busy and tired.

MIGHTY MERP (28:14)
Mm-hmm.

Well, you were the baby and they already raised a lot of other kids.

Ali (28:22)
They did and so I would say on the plus side they probably were calmer and wiser and did really have a sense of not sweating the small stuff that would be the most gracious way I could describe it. And then also I would just say they're they were tired.

MIGHTY MERP (28:32)
Mm-hmm.

They quit. They were like, I'm tapping out right now.

Ali (28:42)
Mm hmm. I think we, yeah, I had a lot of other people. I think we were raised in a pretty traditional household. And I think we have raised our kids and all of us in pretty traditional households. I think we learned like family first and like.

MIGHTY MERP (28:43)
While you had others.

I would agree with that, you know.

right but I would

I

agree with you on that, but we also, I think we all launched pretty early in the sense of, I don't think.

For the most part, by the time we were in our 20s, we were living on our own.

Ali (29:22)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (29:25)
You never returned, you never lived in the house after college.

Ali (29:29)
No.

MIGHTY MERP (29:30)
No, I never lived in the house either, but I also got married when I a child bride. No, I was really almost 22, but the fact that I have to say I was almost 22 kind of indicates how young I was.

Ali (29:35)
You were a child bride.

Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (29:50)
I was so young, you couldn't sign my ketuba, which is the wedding contract.

Ali (29:55)
Yeah, do I do yeah

MIGHTY MERP (29:57)
Do remember that?

So,

but I think we went into parenting with this like idea that there is potentially a right way to do it.

Ali (30:16)
You think?

MIGHTY MERP (30:19)
A better way to do it?

Ali (30:22)
Yeah, I don't know. mean, we were, we were young. We were young parents by today's standards.

MIGHTY MERP (30:31)
No, you were a young parent. I wasn't a young parent.

Ali (30:35)
yeah, I was a young parent.

Yeah, I mean, I think we were, think by the time we had kids, we were able to see mommy and daddy for like the people they were and be able to like see their mistakes and know what we wanted to do differently.

MIGHTY MERP (30:54)
Yes, but now this is the thing. I guess I learned like...

Ali (30:59)
We have

like soft kiddos.

MIGHTY MERP (31:04)
saying soft kiddos, I'll say sensitive kiddos. I think we allowed our kids to be kids longer.

Ali (31:08)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (31:15)
And I think the reality is, is then they're gonna launch later. They're gonna, you know, cause we're not saying don't let the door hitch in the ass on the way out.

Ali (31:26)
Right? I'm saying come home, save money.

Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (31:35)
Right.

Ali (31:36)
I was in a really big hurry to be a grown up.

MIGHTY MERP (31:41)
Yeah, I have one that was in a really big hurry to be a grownup at six and 10 and 16. At 24, not so much. And as said, I'm never moving out.

Ali (31:53)
Not so much.

Yeah. I think the willingness to like be able to have hindsight and know. I remember after college, there were a couple of people I know who did move back in with their parents and maybe only stayed a year or two at home, but were able to save a ton of money and pay off loans and put big down payments on.

first homes and things like that. And I think I don't think I would have listened to anybody. But to be able to have that hindsight to be able to share that with my kids now, to say, this is an option. This is a way to do it. You know, and to be able to say this might give you the steps ahead.

MIGHTY MERP (32:35)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Do want me

to tell your kids that? I think it's funny. I think that your kids would listen to me more and my kids would listen to you or IJ or Sarah more than me, you know?

Ali (33:03)
Mm-hmm.

MIGHTY MERP (33:05)
I definitely feel sometimes I become the...

Snoopy, Charlie Brown, Teacher. Wah wah wah.

Ali (33:14)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

but I don't, mean, mom and dad never said we couldn't come home.

MIGHTY MERP (33:21)
Yeah.

So.

No, I think we could, I think we were, as much as dad said, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out or don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about, he actually was a big teddy bear.

Ali (33:41)
Yeah, yeah, but I had like an internal sense of, like, of being a grown up.

MIGHTY MERP (33:43)
and

Well, you were in some ways a grownup. You dealt with grownup things as a teenager. Your parents were definitely done parenting, you know.

Ali (33:58)
Yeah.

So I didn't consider it an option, but it wasn't because they didn't allow it. And I think I, I think I saw other people who did take advantage of that opportunity. And I tried to say to my kids, like as explicitly as I can, like, you can, you can always be here.

MIGHTY MERP (34:19)
Right, right. But I bet you at the time you were like thinking, why are they back at their parents' house?

Ali (34:25)
Right, I do. you know, but it was only, you know, at the same time that I was, you know, trying to buy a house and trying to do those things. And it was harder.

MIGHTY MERP (34:36)
Riot.

So I keep going back to the fact that we're like the old people in our family now. We have one aunt who, and our kids have a great aunt. My kids don't have any grandparents left.

Ali (34:53)
and mine have won.

MIGHTY MERP (34:56)
you know, we were at our niece's wedding and we were definitely the older people there. so I have mentioned our parents, dad had Parkinson's mom had dementia. I know IJ had gotten tested for, I'm going to say it medically wrong. Is it a gene? it a, for Parkinson's?

Ali (35:15)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he did the gene

mapping. Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (35:22)
I don't know. don't think you, I'm pretty sure you didn't. Do you have concerns about Parkinson's, dementia, any other?

Ali (35:25)
I didn't do it. No, I didn't do it.

I,

I don't have Parkinson's concerns. I don't know why I just, just don't don't. But you know, every time I forget why I walk into a room, I'm sure I'm losing my mind. But so sometimes I think if I do some when, when I do something, I can, you know, feel myself saying that I'm becoming mommy or daddy.

MIGHTY MERP (35:43)
Mm-hmm.

Ali (36:00)
But I think I worry about that one more. feels scarier that one. feels like more of a burden. It feels sadder. But there's a lot of research about healthy sleep habits being really important to help prevent.

MIGHTY MERP (36:09)
Mm-hmm.

I know and you are

Ali (36:21)
to help prevent dementia

and Alzheimer's. And I really am an expert sleeper. is, yeah, it's a really big priority for me. So yeah, I feel good about that one.

MIGHTY MERP (36:26)
You are an expert sleeper. Naps are good too.

feel good. I listen and read a lot about dementia.

I don't know if I'm not worried about Parkinson's. To me, it's like both that are mixed into each other. Also because mom was at our house and my kids saw how hard it was taking care of mom. it like, like I know none of them wanna do it. Like I know, like my kids love me. I have no doubt about it, but.

They have made it clear. They're like, you have dementia, nursing home, nice facility, whatever it is, but they have made it clear. yeah, so I not only have read about the sleep, which again, you're killing it. Allie's in bed at eight o'clock. Like do not disturb eight o'clock. I'm a little later. I'm like eight 30, but you know, and you.

Ali (37:35)
And

I know, and on the

days that I don't work, I take a nap from one to three, like a toddler.

MIGHTY MERP (37:45)
Yeah, and you, but an exercise. So you're doing that as well. You take hikes, you walk a lot. So I like agree. try and it's funny because this really does connect with the mental health as well. Sleeping, the exercising.

Ali (37:52)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (38:03)
And then exercising is important because it's like a little cardio, a little weight. It's like, it's not just one. It's a little bit of everything it seems like, which I think I do well. And the drinking of water as well. And there's a few other things that you're supposed to, supposed to like, I did learn you're supposed to brush your teeth with the opposite hand, like, you know.

Ali (38:13)
Mm-hmm.

Well, you're supposed to teach your brand new thing.

MIGHTY MERP (38:31)
which is teaching my brain new things and.

Ali (38:33)
So

like they say, they used to think doing crossword puzzles was like a way to challenge your brain, but actually doing crossword puzzles is just a recall of information that's already in your brain. So you have to learn like a completely new thing. You have to keep challenging your brain to learn something new to like, yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (38:46)
Mm-hmm.

action.

That does make sense. Yeah, but I do have those fears. I have those fears of like a lot of different conditions that they have and also how my kids are going to handle it. Because and I know they're young. So when they say things like, Nope, not not taking care of you. They're saying it as a I call them a you know, the 22 year olds, a two year old adults, I call them coming from a two year old adult and not a real adult or a four year old adult.

Ali (39:29)
Yeah.

I always talk about like things I learned from daddy, I think that like obligation. So like daddy did a lot of community work, but also like, he always went to Shiva minions, like that was like he would say, like, that's what you do. And so I would say, like, I make a concerted effort to do that I help take care of my community.

MIGHTY MERP (39:50)
Mm-hmm.

Ali (39:58)
And I have never thought of obligation with a negative connotation, like the obligation to take care of mommy and daddy, the obligation to take care of community. I've always thought about it with a mindfulness of honor.

MIGHTY MERP (40:05)
Mm-hmm.

That's nice.

Ali (40:16)
and the, the only time I, so, someone close to my youngest spouse passed away this year and she was at college and she said, I have to come home because that's what you do. And so on one hand, I felt sort of proud of her. And then on the other hand, I was worried.

MIGHTY MERP (40:26)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Right. No, I-

Ali (40:42)
if I was passing, like the negative sense of obligation.

MIGHTY MERP (40:48)
No, I think that

when you say it in the honoring, you know,

It's not negative and it's, it's sort of, it's such a strange, I don't want to use the word paradox again, but it's like what you're saying about sitting Shiva and about taking care of your community. I agree with all of that. And, and, and, and yet I feel like taking care of mom was an obligation or a duty.

And maybe because I didn't think I was good at it or I felt like probably because I felt like I was the default, like maybe not really where she wanted to be, but where she needed to be. but no, I think my kids have that too. And I think that when your youngest came home, I don't think it was a negative. think she needed it for her as well as doing it out of obligation.

Ali (41:48)
Mm hmm. There was just there was something, you know, sort of just plain and simple when she said, you know, that's what you do.

MIGHTY MERP (41:59)
Right, well that goes to like your kids do, like it doesn't always matter if they listen when you say the words because I think that they're more likely to follow the action than the words.

So, you know, I think that it's probably better that they're seeing it, you know. So it's funny that you said that about Dad, who is not religious at all and yet would always ensure he went to Shiva to make sure there was a minion. So.

Ali (42:34)
Yeah, but I think a lot of people think about obligation in a negative way. And I think a lot of the obligations that I hold, I learned from daddy, but I've never thought about them negatively.

MIGHTY MERP (42:52)
Yeah, I guess. think that my, you know, I'll say it as simple as like when I say like, I worry about dementia and putting that burden on my children because I think that they would see it as an obligation, but not in a positive way, not in a positive way. And maybe I'm wrong about that, but I think that

Ali (43:04)
I would say, bread.

MIGHTY MERP (43:12)
And you know, taking care of someone with dementia is, I mean, I've done some really hard things in my life and it is in the top three.

Ali (43:21)
It was terrible. You know, but then I think, you know, then maybe we have like a greater responsibility to do like whatever preparation. Like mom and dad didn't do a lot of preparation for like they

MIGHTY MERP (43:34)
They did not,

their plan was that we would take care of them. That was their plan. But we have a plan.

Ali (43:39)
Right.

Yes, we do have a plan.

MIGHTY MERP (43:45)
We have a plan and we have told our children this plan. They do not think it's a good plan.

Ali (43:52)
Right. Yes, but you know, all of the siblings and or spouses are invited to all live in one house where we would have one caregiver and you know, we can each bring to the table what we can still do.

MIGHTY MERP (44:03)
One.

Correct. And the only rule is like we get our own rooms, there needs to be a nice porch and we need to be near water. And then all the Albuquerque's will be living in our own house together. So they can come visit us in one place. I don't know why they don't think this is brilliant. I'm gonna cook your... Yeah. So is Liz gardening? Is that?

Ali (44:23)
Yeah.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. Melissa's gonna cut.

I'm gonna do the laundry.

MIGHTY MERP (44:43)
What's Liz doing?

Ali (44:45)
Yeah, she could be gardening. She will, you know, she'll be taking care of animals.

MIGHTY MERP (44:47)
Yeah.

Are they going to be in the house, all those animals?

Ali (44:54)
and we're gonna have a separate little.

MIGHTY MERP (44:57)
Yeah, it's not that I don't love animals because I don't want anyone to think I don't love animals, but I am highly allergic to all animals. And then in our house, in our in our planned house, we will have bags and bags and baskets and baskets of gummy bears. yeah. All right. So before we finish up for the day, we've had some great conversations about our parents, about

Ali (45:14)
Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (45:22)
So much fun, so many fun conversations. Anything else you want to share about mom, dad, parenting, finishing raising adultish kids?

Ali (45:25)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, mean my kids were really lucky to have like great grandmas that they remember.

MIGHTY MERP (45:49)
Mm-hmm.

Ali (45:50)
Like they had great grandmas until they were like, like they had great grandmas at their Benet Mets spot.

MIGHTY MERP (45:58)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Ali (46:01)
I feel a little bit sad that our parents were actually young enough that they could have seen their grandchildren have babies.

MIGHTY MERP (46:09)
They were young enough. They both died so young.

Ali (46:11)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so I feel sad for that.

Yeah, but I feel like happy about what they were able to see are, like what milestones are they were able to see.

MIGHTY MERP (46:30)
Yeah, yeah. And they loved all of it. They loved everything about being a grandparent. I would say more than they necessarily loved being a parent.

Ali (46:37)
Yeah.

Yes, yes, I have like this image of mom, like bending down to like Max and Becca and like talking to them as they were like toddlers. Yeah, or like when she would play with them in the cul-de-sac, I was thinking, you did not do that.

MIGHTY MERP (46:54)
Mm-hmm.

No, no, but it's funny that you have those memories, because I do. have her like face to face with the kids sitting in the sandbox. But I will say that her and Ellie always, you know, always seem to be like poking at each other, like they were the same age. And I rem...

Ali (47:24)
Well, that's because Ellie

was born or grown up.

MIGHTY MERP (47:27)
I know, and I remember when Ellie was like three or four, mom saying, she's so mean sometimes. And I was like, mom, one of you is a grownup and one of you is a child and you need to act accordingly. And I'm going to leave it at this, that when mom moved in and Ellie was frustrated and said, she's not being nice, mom. I said, one of you is an adult.

Ali (47:34)
tonight.

I know.

MIGHTY MERP (47:54)
And one of you is a child and you need to act accordingly. And she understood what I was saying. Yeah.

Ali (47:58)
Yeah.

Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (48:05)
It's

been a tough year.

Ali (48:09)
I know! When are we gonna stop saying that?

MIGHTY MERP (48:14)
think when people stop, I'm not going to say it out loud.

I know. It's hard. It's the stupid panini generation.

Ali (48:23)
Yeah. Yeah.

MIGHTY MERP (48:26)
All right, I love you. Come visit me soon. And, you know, don't forget to bring more gummies, emergency gummies.

Ali (48:28)
I love you.

Got

MIGHTY MERP (48:36)
Got Love you.

Ali (48:37)
Talk to you soon, love you,